Health and Wellness · Musings · Relationships · Weight Loss · Writing · WritingPosts2016

It’s Not All About Fat

I trusted doctors for years until after post-partum depression several years ago. Now I wonder which health professionals are committed to wellness and which ones are out to make money.

I’m only one person. Who am I to judge the experts who have invested their money, time, and energy to commit to serving others’ health needs?

I run into the issue of sincerity every. Single. Time. Most careers have people who care about the patients/customers they help. But also, there is no lack of greed, where a re-coupe on investment is someone’s priority. I wasn’t- (and still am not sure) what category the doctor who consulted me to seek a weight-loss solution center-falls into. People are multi-faceted, and it goes beyond how a person outwardly acts or speaks to others, regardless of profession.

There is no doubt; I wasn’t happy in the delivery of this news from the doc that I needed to face my fears about weight-loss. About a week into sadness, anger, denial, and depression over the long road I faced, I began to accept it’s not all about fat.

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Mr.Incredible and I pose for dear daughter to photograph us in (2015) 

I can’t control others’ motives for their interpersonal skills (like the good ole doc’s polar delivery that I was beyond repair aside from surgery or diet pills)-but I can control how much I let an individual’s actions and words affect me.

It’s not “me vs.them.” It’s me and why it’s so hard to let go of this fat that is slowly killing me. I wonder what I’m trying to smother out or at times if the binge-eating is a self-punishment (beyond coping with anxiety.) I have self-harmed by removing tiny imperfections from my skin (only I see them as flaws) as I discuss in a piece I’ve written on Kyrian Lyndon’s blog. Another thing to consider is, am I possibly trying to take up more space physically with my body to make up for feeling unheard or inadequate in some aspect?

I explore the possibilities and solutions on a regular basis in my quiet time.

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Me after long day of work (November 2015)

(BTW, self-harm isn’t exclusive to teens. If you need resources to help cope with self-harm, take a look at videos from Trauma Recovery University. Helpful stuff, there.)

Continuing with the doctor’s visit: There is something else here, beyond the fat. Just like the doc who had reasons I couldn’t see for a tough bedside manner-my self-talk had been so bitter and unforgiving that I’d given in to the hoplessness. I’d essentially quit on myself.

Maybe that is why I allowed myself to cry that evening after seeing the doc. My sweet husband said the most beautiful reassurances to me and continues to support my pro-activity to live healthy in a larger body. After talking with my husband, I felt better, but I knew I was in the weight-loss marathon for the long haul. I’d progressed to the point to where I knew I am WORTH the change: Something I’ve heard over and over, but until a person CONVINCES themselves, it falls on deaf ears.

(Tiny disclaimer: the remainder of this post features faith and mentions religion and how it has affected me. If you are triggered by this in some way, please do not scroll down and know I completely understand! My blog isn’t religious, but faith has been a prominent part of my life and recovery.)

My body today is not my destiny. My body is not my present or past. My body isn’t for anyone’s acceptance-my own or others. But my body is capable of progress. It is lovely and covered up most of the time because I hold it respectfully in a world where media longs to compare one body to another. I’ve learned my clothing, style, or image is for naught. Faith in my creator has taught me these truths in the way only seeking God daily can do.

A great deal of abuse I’d survived was in the care of organized religion from a young age. Some may see it as foolish to seek faith as a refuge after enduring such fear and pain. This post may seem extremely shallow to you. I’ve been on both sides. The shallow end of religion and then the side where I know God’s endless love. Because of this, there is a very clear and distinct difference in religion and God’s actual love and care for me as his child.

Only a day ago I listened to a song that touched my heart in a special way. It is Good, Good, Father by Chris Tomlin. My father and I have met after 20 years of estrangement, but nothing could have made up for his absence. The song Good, Good Father refers to God as my father. I couldn’t stop the hot tears from streaming down my face in that precious moment at 3am when I knew I was hearing “I Love You” being whispered from God straight into my heart on Valentines Day. Those words were never uttered by my earthly father, who spent his last years before retirement inside of pulpit. Those words have been muttered from me and others who I thought I’d loved and who I thought loved me. Those words finally began to sink in as I held my newborn daughter seven years ago and my marriage survives and flourishes during emotional darkness.

If a person is survived by love, what else is there? It certainly goes beyond the anger, sadness, blame, pain, and how a body looks.

May you know love each day of your life. I’m not done with the subject of love and acceptance. I understand for many of you this is quite a surprise because I’m a private person with my faith.

Back to our regularly scheduled blogs.

Have a great week.

~Laurie

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Kindness In Tragedy and Conditions of The Heart

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Prayers, thoughts and love go out to the victims, first responders, and everyone involved in this horrible tragedy. Everyone handles grief and tragedy in different ways. Some lash out in anger, trying to find someone or something to blame as the root of the problem. Some choose to see only the good in humanity and think positive thoughts. Some choose silence and prayer as a vigil and respect to those affected. No one way is right or wrong to feel. Feelings are exclusive to the person feeling them, and they are entitled to cry, be angry, pray, be positive, or any number of things.

For me this is a time to remember where my faith lies. I am not too religious these days, for my own reasons. But, I will always have my faith and I believe in love and kindness. I have learned about love from the Bible and the church when I was younger. As I got older, it became about a personal relationship with God. God and I aren’t too close these days, although I will never deny he exists because of what he has personally shown me in my walk of faith.

I’m not here to preach. This isn’t some religious contest or an opportunity to win anyone over.

No, today I want to talk about the condition of the heart. Everyone has one, but not everyone’s heart is conditioned to love, acceptance, and tolerance. Some people have a darkness within that is unfathomable to anyone how they are able to function. They do not fit a certain stereotype, it goes beyond that. Their spirit is the unseen force of evil that is hidden until it snaps, lashing out to anyone and everyone around.

It is impossible to understand why someone would do something so horribly cold-hearted. No one can explain it because only the person or people who did this horrendous act knows the condition of their own heart. Maybe it was so dark they didn’t feel.

One thing is for certain. The world needs more love and kindness. I have faith in humanity, but only to a certain extent. I have faith in God, but sometimes feel like it’s not enough because I am also just as cynical about religion. This world has made me more hard and cynical over time, but I am thankful to still be able to feel love. Give love. My heart isn’t dark, but full of light. I may have some dark corners, but most people do.

Not everyone has all that time though. Sometimes it takes a tragedy to test the true condition of a person’s heart, and time is cut short. That’s the reality. I believe our bodies are only vessels with a soul within. This gives me hope that not only the memory of the victims in Boston will live on, but their soul lives on in Heaven. Some may think I’m delusional, uninformed, or crazy. So be it.

As I meditate on the lives lost and affected today I wonder how this body of mine can help another in need during this tragedy. I am nowhere near Boston, but I have faith people are there helping, and those small acts of kindness will negate the evil in the world.

Let’s all continue to hope, reach out, find a way to help others in everyday life and look beyond ourselves even through our own struggles. Pay it forward. Let’s move beyond paralyzing fear and take action to show kindness and love to these people who are hurting and suffering.

Here is a primary example of how someone can help:

Writer and Producer Andrea J. Spencer will be hand delivering cards to the hospital directly to the victims of this tragedy. For more info and to be a part of this act of kindness, visit her FB page HERE.