I guess some people are able to go into writing no-holds barred and some give themselves the freedom to feel. It just comes out in the writing. Let go and just write. JUST WRITE.
For these well intentioned people, many who are dear friends, I want to say IT IS NOT “JUST WRITING TO ME!” The thing is, I know that many of them feel the same way.
I am 3 days into entering Camp NanoWriMo in which my word count goal is 50,000 in 30 days. It is a great way to motivate, knowing one has a deadline to meet; however, I made the mistake or maybe it is a blessing in disguise of picking a story that hits a little too close to home.
This is my brother John. He died in a tragic car accident when I was only 9 years old. Pardon the shirtlessness, but we only have a few pictures of him and he was a country boy. Lol
Seriously, though, this story I’m writing is a time travel fiction story of faith and inspiration. It is not religious (but has a few religious elements weaved in where appropriate. Not preachy), but a story of hope and love. In short, unlike anything I have ever written. The first chapter just so happens to incorporate my brother as a minor but key character of the story. I did this because I wanted to honor his memory and never got to say goodbye. I have some humor weaved in of course with sibling banter and a few serious but heart wrenching discussions.
I never knew it would be this hard. I just wanted to write about something that matters and came from the heart. I wanted the time back with him that I never had and to hug him tight and let him know how much he means to me. Meanwhile, 23 years later, here I am trying not to bawl my eyes out while writing this story. I’m trying to JUST WRITE and not feel.
It doesn’t work, though. Even for someone as stubborn and determined like myself. I never got the chance to grieve. I was too busy being a little adult and keeping it together. Now I feel like a kid all over again. Vulnerable to loss and angry because I refuse to let go and cry.
This is truly a labor of love for me, and I am beginning to realize that I have to give myself permission to grieve and feel in addition to reliving the happy memories if I want this story to truly resonate with readers. I know that everyone will walk away with their own message and understanding of it, but if I can just convey how precious every moment is and convince one person to push past fears on to having faith in themselves I will feel it was worth every tear.
So forgive me friends, if I seem unconcerned with word count and the fact that I am running a little behind in staying on track to achieve my goal. I may even seem a little bitter or angry. But like I’ve posted earlier today on Facebook, this story is really putting me through it. I am not giving up on it no matter how much I am forced to feel. It is a story that needs to be told.
Finally, I would like to say a heartfelt thanks for all the support and encouragement I am getting from fellow writers, authors, friends, and family. Even readers who like this post because they decided to visit my blog or it showed up on your reader. Thanks. You all are amazing and wonderful people and I hope great things come your way.